I suck at keeping up... on blogger and in life in general so I'm going to write you a long one. I feel run down lately, like all I want to do is sleep and the anxiety of this all is giving me rashes. This weekend was eventful, I guess, but I am ultimately looking forward to going home and seeing my family. I am looking forward to the home cooked meals, the nagging of my little brother, the queen size bunk bed and the barking of my puppies when I come home every afternoon-- the feeling of being welcomed and missed even if I have just been away for four hours.

Although, last time I went home it was a terrible time. I was home for 3 days and I was ready to jump out my second floor bedroom window. I unfortunately tried to make my family happy by asking them to go to sushi dinner together like we use to. How wrong could I be?

Extremely wrong. I had no idea of how my house had withered away from being a home while I was away. In the past couple of months it seems everything had changed. As we drove to the restaurant I felt the tension and it broke out when we were so close to dinner. My little brother who I adore (he's really not so little-- 16) argued with my father, which is totally normal but my dad got so mad he wanted to turn around and go home. After this night, the good old memory of sushi no longer remains. We all now show a loss of interest. My brother and I seemed closer on that ride to dinner than ever before. He asked me about college and about my boyfriend. I told him I was happy about being away from home and being my own person. Lying to my little brother even about something so simple like how I am not happy seems immoral because what happens after you leave home isn't all that it seems. I felt I was setting him up for the greatest fall but what is home for him now seems unbearable. Maybe college will be everything that he wants. Maybe it is what he needs. All I do know is that I hope he never ends up like my father: miserable.

I went out Friday and it was alright. No fights, no tears. Missed my girlfriends. I think I realized a lot that night.
I should stop drinking because I text stupid people stupid things and then I find out that my own brother doesn't have my number in his phone ... weird thing is I texted him 3 weeks earlier. FML

He acts someway different and I know it may never change. He's not coming home. He doesn't put any effort in to being my brother. He stopped doing that when he was 13 and I thought that would change with age. He is now 22 and I don't think anything will change. Will we ever make amends or will this last forever? How long will it appear that I only have one brother because the other has decided to lead a life without me in it.

As I drank more I remembered less and so the dancing started.

And as I stood on the wall of the apartment complex I saw my boyfriend dancing, so happy even though we just got into another argument. As he danced in the crowd he stood out, so happy and carefree. I wish I was half as passionate about anything as he is but I find I wouldn't be passionate about anything that is the same. If that makes sense. I want someone with the same passions as me. I have dreams of going places and being someone amazing. How will I get there if I am following someone else's ambitions. And how sad would it be if the one I loved didn't want my dreams to come true. Would he be waiting at the finish line with a sign and a smile or would it be too much time taken out of his day?

I am beginning to resent the room I reside in. I cannot find a balance in my life.. what I want and what I need do not want to coincide and it's breaking my heart.

My car has been in the shop for 2 weeks and I thought it would be coming home with me. Truthfully, I don't even know now. It got fixed like it was suppose to but now they say that the tires and brakes rusted over so they won't even move. I guess that's what happens when your car sits in the college parking lot for 7 weeks. I may not have a ride to work anymore, let alone any money.

I hide now in the A&D with the movie club. I sit in the back on the computer reading post secret while they blast their movies behind my head. I am hoping no one comes looking for me because even without my headphones in and the movie blasting behind me, this is the only place I find peace.