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Monday, May 4, 2009

one thing only @ 7:07 PM

Who do you trust when your friends take a match to your front lawn?

Find strength in no one but yourself.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

love like winter @ 4:12 PM

I suck at keeping up... on blogger and in life in general so I'm going to write you a long one. I feel run down lately, like all I want to do is sleep and the anxiety of this all is giving me rashes. This weekend was eventful, I guess, but I am ultimately looking forward to going home and seeing my family. I am looking forward to the home cooked meals, the nagging of my little brother, the queen size bunk bed and the barking of my puppies when I come home every afternoon-- the feeling of being welcomed and missed even if I have just been away for four hours.

Although, last time I went home it was a terrible time. I was home for 3 days and I was ready to jump out my second floor bedroom window. I unfortunately tried to make my family happy by asking them to go to sushi dinner together like we use to. How wrong could I be?

Extremely wrong. I had no idea of how my house had withered away from being a home while I was away. In the past couple of months it seems everything had changed. As we drove to the restaurant I felt the tension and it broke out when we were so close to dinner. My little brother who I adore (he's really not so little-- 16) argued with my father, which is totally normal but my dad got so mad he wanted to turn around and go home. After this night, the good old memory of sushi no longer remains. We all now show a loss of interest. My brother and I seemed closer on that ride to dinner than ever before. He asked me about college and about my boyfriend. I told him I was happy about being away from home and being my own person. Lying to my little brother even about something so simple like how I am not happy seems immoral because what happens after you leave home isn't all that it seems. I felt I was setting him up for the greatest fall but what is home for him now seems unbearable. Maybe college will be everything that he wants. Maybe it is what he needs. All I do know is that I hope he never ends up like my father: miserable.

I went out Friday and it was alright. No fights, no tears. Missed my girlfriends. I think I realized a lot that night.
I should stop drinking because I text stupid people stupid things and then I find out that my own brother doesn't have my number in his phone ... weird thing is I texted him 3 weeks earlier. FML

He acts someway different and I know it may never change. He's not coming home. He doesn't put any effort in to being my brother. He stopped doing that when he was 13 and I thought that would change with age. He is now 22 and I don't think anything will change. Will we ever make amends or will this last forever? How long will it appear that I only have one brother because the other has decided to lead a life without me in it.

As I drank more I remembered less and so the dancing started.

And as I stood on the wall of the apartment complex I saw my boyfriend dancing, so happy even though we just got into another argument. As he danced in the crowd he stood out, so happy and carefree. I wish I was half as passionate about anything as he is but I find I wouldn't be passionate about anything that is the same. If that makes sense. I want someone with the same passions as me. I have dreams of going places and being someone amazing. How will I get there if I am following someone else's ambitions. And how sad would it be if the one I loved didn't want my dreams to come true. Would he be waiting at the finish line with a sign and a smile or would it be too much time taken out of his day?

I am beginning to resent the room I reside in. I cannot find a balance in my life.. what I want and what I need do not want to coincide and it's breaking my heart.

My car has been in the shop for 2 weeks and I thought it would be coming home with me. Truthfully, I don't even know now. It got fixed like it was suppose to but now they say that the tires and brakes rusted over so they won't even move. I guess that's what happens when your car sits in the college parking lot for 7 weeks. I may not have a ride to work anymore, let alone any money.

I hide now in the A&D with the movie club. I sit in the back on the computer reading post secret while they blast their movies behind my head. I am hoping no one comes looking for me because even without my headphones in and the movie blasting behind me, this is the only place I find peace.

Post Secret. google it. It makes my life a lot better.

We can only hope everyone can find that someone.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

i want it all @ 5:18 PM

I am sick of school and projects and speeches and this place. I feel like I am always trying to escape but the only place I can even go is the Art and Design Building. yay! And at this point I have been in the Design building so much that I have done all of my homework. So what do I do now? I sit and think and blog. I am just waiting until I am tired enough to go back to my room and fall asleep. Gahh!

Last night I listened to Meg and Dia- Fighting for nothing and it made me think that I have been fighting for things that haven't been worth it. And then I made a deal with myself that when I grow up and have children I am always going to tell them that they shouldn't fight for nothing. Always fight for something that is worth it, worth it to you at least. Fight for what you want. It's hard to explain. The song is perfect for explaining it.

These things take time, love
These things take backbone
And they'll tell you what you want to hear
They say it gets better, better
But you better know how to point out the liars
You've got to win your wars, make sure
You're not fighting for nothing, nothing
Are you fighting for nothing, nothing

I hope they cut you open, make you seal the warn
For all the wrong reasons, make you see
that some things were worth bruising for
Make you see that your name is your honor code
Make you see that your hands you're accounted for
They can choose where your sweat and you blood will go
Make you see your life's not to be lived alone

I wanted to walk through the empty streets and feel something constant under my feet.

My head is congested.

I hate that I am always doing something wrong. What I do is never good enough and something always has to be changed.

Love me for me, Do not try and mold me.

This is beginning to be a lot harder than it should be, and I am the one causing it.

Push as hard as I might. You will probably be the best thing that ever happened to me.

"I am losing my love for you little by little and when this is over, it won't be because of me."

I ran out of words a long time ago.

hold your breath, little lungs
the tide is holding us beneath
i am the sky and you are the sea
you are the one who colors me

I want to be able to be this woman someday,
with the person that I love,
who loves me back,
for whoever I may be
or may have become.

The glove compartment is inaccurately named
And everybody knows it
So I'm proposing a swift orderly change

'Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
And all I find are souvenirs from better times
Before the gleam of your tail lights fading east
To find yourself a better life.

I was searching for some legal document
As the rain beat down on the hood
When I stumbled upon pictures I tried to forget
And that's how this idea was drilled into my head
'Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been

But there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade,
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Compromise. @ 9:04 PM

Today was the same as any other day. I had class from 10 am until 2pm. I took a well needed nap and then went off to softball practice. I stood in the outfield for majority of the time, swatting at bugs and picking the few flowers that had grown since the snow stopped falling. The one ball that had came to me was a fly pop and I couldn't even catch it because I was blinded by that huge bright thing in the sky. The thing that hasn't really come out from behind the clouds in a while. Upstate isn't the sunniest, warmest place in the world and it is very disappointing. What I would give for 90 degree weather everyday, maybe an ocean on the side and some palm trees. After practice and a long shower, I got ready to go out to dinner with the girls. It's too bad it's almost the end of the semester because I would've loved to make it a monthly date thing. Who knows if I'll even be back next year.

mmmhm so.. it is either really late at night or extremely early in the morning. Either way, I am sitting in the Art and Design building of my college and I am dreading my Sociology Exam at 8 am tomorrow morning (in 7 hours actually). I am putting it aside because I just started my blog yesterday and I know I have two stupid entries that are just random ass letters. It was a test. I wanted to make sure everything panned out correctly. I have been searching everyone else's blogs trying to find some that I enjoy reading. I was successful.

My blog will have a lot of lyrics and photos too. (not only my thoughts) but for now I have to study. ugh. <3

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

@ 8:26 PM

fagsyg iwrigaskdgfasgdfjhasgdfhgasg i love the a & d

hDXKJfg SHDfg KJSDFlhsdkvhksa


I wanna be a Kennedy
I wanna be tall and handsome
I'd conquer the world
And you'd see it on television
If I could be a Kennedy
If I could be a real heartbreaker
I'd watch you crash into my arms
with the stars into the barrel of a gun
And die young.


Google it.
Oprah's Book Club.
This makes me laugh.
F My Life.